Communication

Well, after a couple days' break, we went out last night. Not really a typical date - clothes shopping and dinner - but fun. We chatted about random stuff. Including the fact that he had screwed up his courage and asked his boss for a raise, and that he had a plan for dealing with the psycho roomie.

Oh, and that I hate it when he leaves his dirty work clothes on the bathroom floor, and don't appreciate picking up after him.

Then we came home and had great sex.

Funny how communication seems to facilitate these things.


I am really not quite sure what to do about this guy. I don't know if I am overly prepared to write him off, if this is growing pain that is normal in a new relationship, or if there really are legitimate concerns. I have no concept of what a healthy new relationship really feels like. It's been too long, and I think I am getting cagey about having someone in my life and inside my head. Maybe I am less tolerant of quirks, having been more-or-less happily on my own for several years. I am afraid of losing my sense of independence, the feeling that if he disappears, things will keep chugging merrily along, with a slightly adjusted weekend routine, which is how out-of-town dating seems to go for me.

When Mr. Wonderful and I broke up, it took years for me to feel like I was really going to be okay on my own. I don't think I have given anyone a fighting chance since then.

Whether T is 'the one' or really only the fourteenth is pretty immaterial. It boils down to what I can cope with, how vulnerable I am willing or able to be. I know it can't go anywhere if I don't allow it, but I gotta admit, it sure ain't easy...

Goodbyes

I took down my profiles on PoF and Lava awhile ago, and have been cheerfully broadcasting that I have a real actual boyfriend to pretty much everyone. There were some loose ends left to tie up, though.

I finally got ahold of Mr UK this morning. It made me late for work, but was a necessary conversation. He was talking about booking tickets to meet in Chicago...which was the plan a couple months ago, but isn't quite right, anymore, with T in the picture.

Mr UK took it well. Better than I expected, actually. Said he was happy for me. Wanted to know about T. Congratulated me. Asked if he'd still see me in July when he comes to town. I said "of course, but T may want to join us". Mr UK said he understood.

He commented that if we had lived in the same region, or even the same country, we'd probably be dating, but sounded pretty philosophical about it.

When we said goodbye, he said he loved me.

I told him I loved him, too.

And, you know, in its own way, it's true. Not in the "let's get married" sense, but Mr UK has been in my life for a long, long time, and there is definitely a special relationship there. I am relieved that he can accept the situation, and grateful that our friendship will continue, albeit on a different level.

It was a little bittersweet, though.

Going Slow...

...is not what we are doing. T came over last Thursday, and did not go home until THIS Wednesday. Last night was a 'night off', which I apparently needed most desperately, as I was starting to feel out-of-sorts about having my routines disrupted.

I poured two cups of coffee this morning before I woke up enough to realise he wasn't here anyway.

T picked up the dishes after supper the other night. He made coffee on the mornings he was first out of bed. He calls if he will be late coming home from work. He'll eat whatever I can dream up to cook, and thank me for it after. He is still exciting and fun, but at the same time, comfortable like an old sweater. There is nothing we won't talk about.

This is scary. It's been about seven years since I have dated anyone who lived in my own area code. It's less pressure when they can only change your routine on the weekends. I've always said that they don't fuck up my life, that way. Well, that, and I date emotionally distant guys, as a rule, so they really don't interfere at all.

T is interested in me. He is available, physically and emotionally. I look forward to spending time with him. He scares the hell out of me.

I am trying not to shoot myself in the foot by finding reasons to run away or pick a fight. I told him that I have a few issues that way.

T fits into my life.

He'll be here again tonight.

I'm looking forward to it...

Sweetie

I got this at work this morn:


"For some reason your email last night didn't seem to sit really well with me, don't know why, but something about it seemed, well, strange I guess. Dont know why.

So the only place I could figure to find any info about how things were going was the place I promised not to read... so in the vein of wanting to make sure everything was all right i read it this morning. Man you sound a bit, well, tumultuous...

Maybe a call one of these evenings?"


Mr UK is such a sweetie.

The phone rang not ten minutes after I got home.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just a little down...probably this cold, or maybe the crash from having such a good time over there with you.."

The truth is, this week I have been feeling a little...unloved. Unwanted. Unattractive. Unhappy.

There is absolutely no reason for it. I should be kicked in the ass, hard, for feeling this way after Mr UK flew me to London for Valentines. And showed me such a good time while I was there. After so many friends and family have been calling or coming over, fussing over me with this cold. Like I said, no reason for it at all.

But there it is. Feelings aren't logical.


"Well, what are you doing St Patrick's day?"

"Umm...riding you like a clydesdale, I hope?"

"Let me check my bank balance..."


I wish.