Who Not To Date #2
The Recidivist Commitment Phobe
(especially 2 years and 9 months after the FIRST time he dumped you)
[uber-especially when he's actually a nice guy AND a great lay]
Okay, everyone's gotta get one of these ones at least once in their lives. But really, the ex-sex never ends...at first, you think it's just an interim solution to your inability to get laid by anyone new. Next thing you know, you wind up spending weekends at his place, him bringing you coffee in bed in the morning and offering to babysit your dog while you go for your annual vacation to Europe. Three months later, you realize you haven't bothered making a date with anyone else in over two months. You comment to him that you're basically dating again. He concurrs, then two weeks later, he dumps you...again. Six weeks after that, he invites you over for a little hanky-panky, 'no strings attached'...Three years later, you realize you've just wasted an awful lot of your life on 'just a great lay...'
My dog shit in the spare room today. I realized it's a sign.
She had an attack of the runs a few weeks ago, and lost bowel control in that room. Of course, I didn't punish her; it was a medical thing, an accident. I guess I didn't clean it up well enough, as today she had an 'accident' that couldn't possibly have been accidental, for the second time in five days, right in the same spot.
This relates how? Well, girls, M. basically just shit in my spare room. He's inviting me to go waste another few months of my time trying to convince him to get over his commitment problem. He's doing it because he got away with it before. I guess I didn't clean it up well enough the last time. So, I called him and told him, straight up: if you ever do that again, I will change my phone number. Get it unlisted. Make sure we never speak again. He says he wants to salvage a friendship from the ruins...I told him that if he ever wants to be friends, he has to act like a friend, and friends don't shit in my house...
Showing posts with label how not to. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how not to. Show all posts
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
How Not To Date Me #1
It never rains but it pours.
How Not To Date Me #1
1) Call me out of the blue, strike up a conversation, and call back every second day for a month.
2) Drive for four hours to come visit me for the weekend. Act super-nice. Take me out dancing.
3) Invite me to your place. Take me out, buy my dinner and drinks.
4) Take me back to your place for a wild night.
(it's all good up to here, don't get me wrong. I'm just giving a little background, here)
5) Tell me you'll call Sunday. Don't call.
6) Tell me you'll call Thursday. Don't call.
7) Don't call for a couple of weeks. Always be busy or 'indisposed' when I call you.
8) Wait until I've accepted tickets to another country for a cheap-and-dirty Valentine's date.
9) Call and ask me to go steady.
So, Beavis called tonight, a couple of weeks late. He said he had really needed some time to work out what he wanted to do about me.
"Do About Me? Why Not Try Calling?"
He said that's not what he meant. He said he was really, really into me, but doesn't want to deal with the long distance driving, not being able to see me often or be there to cuddle and watch movies whenever we want. He said he was torn about what to do, whether to ask me out or leave it at 'just friends'. He says it's unfair to both of us to expect each other to be able to maintain an exclusive relationship when we may not see each other for weeks at a time. He thinks it will be incredibly difficult to make it work, given that he works almost every day and lives a long way from me. He said that, in the end, he figured I was worth it.
You big, dumb, prick.
I told him to call me back in March.
How Not To Date Me #1
1) Call me out of the blue, strike up a conversation, and call back every second day for a month.
2) Drive for four hours to come visit me for the weekend. Act super-nice. Take me out dancing.
3) Invite me to your place. Take me out, buy my dinner and drinks.
4) Take me back to your place for a wild night.
(it's all good up to here, don't get me wrong. I'm just giving a little background, here)
5) Tell me you'll call Sunday. Don't call.
6) Tell me you'll call Thursday. Don't call.
7) Don't call for a couple of weeks. Always be busy or 'indisposed' when I call you.
8) Wait until I've accepted tickets to another country for a cheap-and-dirty Valentine's date.
9) Call and ask me to go steady.
So, Beavis called tonight, a couple of weeks late. He said he had really needed some time to work out what he wanted to do about me.
"Do About Me? Why Not Try Calling?"
He said that's not what he meant. He said he was really, really into me, but doesn't want to deal with the long distance driving, not being able to see me often or be there to cuddle and watch movies whenever we want. He said he was torn about what to do, whether to ask me out or leave it at 'just friends'. He says it's unfair to both of us to expect each other to be able to maintain an exclusive relationship when we may not see each other for weeks at a time. He thinks it will be incredibly difficult to make it work, given that he works almost every day and lives a long way from me. He said that, in the end, he figured I was worth it.
You big, dumb, prick.
I told him to call me back in March.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Where Not To Date #1 & 2
Where Not To Date #1
Bookstores
If you want to show off how intelligent and cultured you are, go to an opera. Bookstores are so 'in' that they don't prove anything, unless it's a used bookstore, which only proves you're a cheap bastard. Unless, of course, you live in a rural area where people label THEMSELVES rednecks, in which case you earn Dating Brownie Points for a) being literate at all, and b) knowing where the bookstore even IS. Just leave your rifle in the truck, ok? Please?
Where Not To Date #2
The Bar
Hmmm...take a guy to a place full of under-dressed, extremely made-up teenagers with perkier boobs than yours, then try not to get offended when you catch him checking them out. Scream at the top of your lungs, and try to sound sweet and endearing while doing so. Get offended when he won't dance, then get kicked out of the bar for getting hammered and taking your shirt off while dancing alone on the speaker. Try to make sure your number is somewhere in the pile of other numbers he picked up while you were in the bathroom re-applying lipstick. Just my idea of a great time...save the bars for your girlfriends, gals...
Bookstores
If you want to show off how intelligent and cultured you are, go to an opera. Bookstores are so 'in' that they don't prove anything, unless it's a used bookstore, which only proves you're a cheap bastard. Unless, of course, you live in a rural area where people label THEMSELVES rednecks, in which case you earn Dating Brownie Points for a) being literate at all, and b) knowing where the bookstore even IS. Just leave your rifle in the truck, ok? Please?
Where Not To Date #2
The Bar
Hmmm...take a guy to a place full of under-dressed, extremely made-up teenagers with perkier boobs than yours, then try not to get offended when you catch him checking them out. Scream at the top of your lungs, and try to sound sweet and endearing while doing so. Get offended when he won't dance, then get kicked out of the bar for getting hammered and taking your shirt off while dancing alone on the speaker. Try to make sure your number is somewhere in the pile of other numbers he picked up while you were in the bathroom re-applying lipstick. Just my idea of a great time...save the bars for your girlfriends, gals...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Who Not To Date #1
Who Not To Date #1
Your Ex From Highschool's Best Friend, Who You've Known For 15 Years, And Haven't Talked To In Five
...Especially when he just tracks you down out of the blue and strikes up an utterly random conversation on the phone, which somehow has nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with sucking you in. Chances are, he's still drunk from last night, when he and your ex were out for beers and got to reminiscing. And somehow, you came up in the conversation, and your ex innocently mentions that you give the best blow-jobs EVER. And the drunken 'good idea' comes into said friend's mind to get your number off his passed-out buddy's cell phone and call you up "just to chat". Then comes to town "for work", and takes you out for a LOT of beers, on his tab, of course. Shows his sweet side, opening car doors and such. Keeps you laughing with his sly wit all night. Tells you he's not just interested in the physical side of things, as he romances you right into bed...
Word to the wise – he won't call you in the morning. Trust me on this one. Go for the nostaliga lay if you have to, but don't sit by the phone for the next week, wondering what happened to the really sweet side you suddenly saw for the first time last night...
Special Thanks to all my girlfriends, who pointed this one out to me...about three weeks too late...
On the bright side, Potential Bad Date #1 went fairly well. Lava boy J. kept me quite amused for five hours' worth of conversation ranging from philosophy to photography to laminate flooring. He is decent looking, and actually looked like the photo he posted. Does not appear to be axe-murderer material, though he may be just-friends material. Not exactly sparks flying, though sometimes that takes time...
Your Ex From Highschool's Best Friend, Who You've Known For 15 Years, And Haven't Talked To In Five
...Especially when he just tracks you down out of the blue and strikes up an utterly random conversation on the phone, which somehow has nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with sucking you in. Chances are, he's still drunk from last night, when he and your ex were out for beers and got to reminiscing. And somehow, you came up in the conversation, and your ex innocently mentions that you give the best blow-jobs EVER. And the drunken 'good idea' comes into said friend's mind to get your number off his passed-out buddy's cell phone and call you up "just to chat". Then comes to town "for work", and takes you out for a LOT of beers, on his tab, of course. Shows his sweet side, opening car doors and such. Keeps you laughing with his sly wit all night. Tells you he's not just interested in the physical side of things, as he romances you right into bed...
Word to the wise – he won't call you in the morning. Trust me on this one. Go for the nostaliga lay if you have to, but don't sit by the phone for the next week, wondering what happened to the really sweet side you suddenly saw for the first time last night...
Special Thanks to all my girlfriends, who pointed this one out to me...about three weeks too late...
On the bright side, Potential Bad Date #1 went fairly well. Lava boy J. kept me quite amused for five hours' worth of conversation ranging from philosophy to photography to laminate flooring. He is decent looking, and actually looked like the photo he posted. Does not appear to be axe-murderer material, though he may be just-friends material. Not exactly sparks flying, though sometimes that takes time...
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