Disclosure

T is an honest sort of guy. He doesn't seem to mind discussing any topic, now that the shyness has passed. I admire that.

There are parts of my history that, while I am not ashamed of, I can't say I am itching to share with a prospective long-term partner. Who I am still in the stage of wanting to impress.

T has shared some lass-than-savory details of his past, and although I am not going to end things over this, it does make me stop and think.

Then, I read this. It made me think (thank you, T-shirt, for making me think, again). I decided that I didn't want to have to worry about T finding my blog, or finding out about my history from someone else.

So, this morning, over coffee, I told T about Mr UK and M. Not all the details, of course, but enough. I told him that although I don't really intend to have any contact with M, Mr UK remains a good friend, and will still be part of my life. That Mr UK may be staying here, at my house, in June. That T is welcome to be here for the whole time, if it makes him more comfortable with the situation. Of course, Mr UK doesn't even know about T yet - that's a project for this weekend.

I don't know why I was worried. Moonbeam was quite prepared to distance himself from me, in order to make sure T didn't get jealous...thoughtful of Moonbeam, but the idea disturbed me. When I mentioned that conversation to T, he was apalled. He told me in no uncertain terms that I should not be losing friends over this relationship.

Right answer.

He did it again this morning. He said that he felt I was interested enough that he wasn't worried. I told him that a person can say they won't cheat as many times as they want, but it means nothing without the behavior to back it up. T said he believed me. Said he wasn't at all concerned. I could have kissed him. In fact, I did. Several times. What a relief.

Another week.

Well, it has been another week of T, and although I have to admit he slides admirably easily into my life and routines, I am not sure where he fits in my head.

T. has never heard of half the music I listen to. He is forever saying "Who is this? I think I like them". Another common one is "What does that word mean? How do you spell it? I think it might be a [Scrabble] bingo". He certainly appreciates my intelligence. He is very respectful of my privacy and my space. But he is in it.

I spent seven years building up my home, full of MY things, done up the way I like it, and only allowing a very few good friends in. Apparently I have done the same with my head. Every now and then, I realise...omg, this guy is creeping in. My instinct is immediately to push him away, keep him at arm's distance. I love and hate that I can just call him anytime I want a hug and he'll be here in half an hour. Mind you, he is pretty much always here anyway, doing dishes after dinner or bringing me coffee in the morning. Good things that are a little disturbing because of their intimacy.

I went for drinks with Moonbeam last night, specifically to tell him about T, just in case. Moonbeam swears he just wants a friendship, which is perfect. He felt he should enlighten me about the inside of the male mind, however, and warned me that the L-word will likely get tossed into play in about 6 weeks. Given the situation, I wonder if it will take T that long, and hope he can/will hold back on that one. T is already routinely telling me how lucky and thankful he feels for having met me. He asks if I am always this nice, tells me I am beautiful. He is rather demonstrative, verbally and physically, which again is something of a mixed blessing. I do enjoy it, but...But.

I declared last night a night off again. I am thinking of doing the same tonight. T has spent the last several years alone, but I don't believe it was by choice. I guess I haven't been especially alone, but I have carefully arranged my life so that no-one, especially no man, can interfere with my freedom and independence and comfort. It is disturbing to realise I have cooked proper dinners every night for close to two weeks. I usually eat leftovers or a bowl of oatmeal.

Poor T may be getting a neurotic basketcase that he hadn't bargained on...but I am still doing my best not to shoot myself in the foot...

Not Driving

I went for drinks with Moonbeam, the guy from work, a couple nights ago. I still have no idea what he's angling for. I have to admit, we have great conversations, but I don't think he would be a good long-term match. I really don't want to lead him on, but I'm not sure how to bring it up in conversation. Dammit.

Scrabble guy, T., called last night. We have a date for tomorrow at my place. Now, I wouldn't normally invite an internet guy to my home after only meeting them once, but I am also a good judge of character, and I'm certian T is not stalker material. He is far too...well, it's hard to pin down, but he hits me as a good guy. He asked if it was okay that he called. He hasn't been pushy in any way, shape, or form. He is very...respectful.

It was an interesting conversation. We do really have a lot in common. I have to learn not to bombard him with questions, but, dammit, I'm curious.

There are a couple red flags, though. He last lived with his parents a few months ago. He has started three different degrees, without finishing any of them. On the other hand, he appears to be able to say 'no', and has actually held the same job for a couple of years.

This not driving thing is really causing me headaches. I have no idea if T is even looking for anything more than friendship, and if he's not, then I'd rather know before I get too interested. Likewise, with Moonbeam, I'd rather have things on the table. However, asking these sorts of questions seems to be the start of me taking over, so to speak. Dammit, I'm just not subtle enough for this...

Taking It As It Comes.

I am a bit of a control freak. I like to know what is going on, how things are going to happen, and what the plan is. I am obsessive about knowing what is coming next. I like to be the boss, and I want things to happen on my schedule.

This is a poor attitude for dating.

I am forever questioning the motives of my date, second-guessing him, and obsessively deconstructing the evening in the car on the drive home. I am out of my element when dealing with the unpredictable quirks of other people's emotions and expectations while also trying to cope with the quirks of MY emotions and expectations.

This results in all sorts of quirky situations and miscommunications. For instance, with Beavis, it meant forcing the issue with sex after a couple of months, because I wanted to know if we were a good match in bed, wanted to know if he found me attractive that way, and was really, really horny. Not that he didn't want to have sex with me, but he wanted to take it slow, and me forcing the issue added a lot of confusion to his world. Like, we didn't talk for two months.

I am trying to learn to take things as they come. Moonbeam and I went for a nice supper tonight, and spent four hours chatting about 'stuff'. Stuff that included a lot of questions/comments about relationships, expectations, likes/dislikes, etcetera. I have no idea if he is wanting to date me, or just talking about random stuff trying to make friends. I am working VERY HARD not to 'interpret' anything, and just see what happens.

Likewise, with Beavis coming up tomorrow, I will try to just relax and let things unfold as they will.

This is difficult.

I want to learn, because I suspect (though I have absolutely no proof) that it might result in a more...respectful...relationship in the end, however that relationship might be defined. I suspect that my habit of taking the lead and stepping things up a notch is intimidating to men. I am certain that I have missed out on all sorts of fun courting rituals, simply because I didn't have the patience to enjoy the courting. I gotta tell ya, though, patience is NOT my forte...

Company Ink?

There is this guy I work with. Let's call him Moonbeam. We've worked together for years, in different departments. He moved into my department temporarily last year, and we wound up working together quite a bit.

He is a genuine sort of guy, funny and outgoing once he gets to know you, though a bit shy at first. Very protective of his private life, but I have to say, I'm the same way...ironic that I blog, but anyways...

Moonbeam is tall, heavy-set, and nice-looking. He likes cats and has a motorbike. He is about 15 years older than me, but that really isn't an issue to me for making friends - most of my friends are about 10 years older, anyways. It becomes an issue with dating, as I want kids, and most 45 year olds are closer to planning retirement than planning a family.

Moonbeam did me a favor at work a few weeks ago, helping me with a file while I was on holidays. I told him I owed him a coffee. A while after that, he needed help outside work, moving a couple of vehicles around. He took me for supper as a thanks. Today, he asked me to help him with a file.

I asked him if it negated the coffee I owed him.

He said it was a big deal (it wasn't), and that he figured he owed me dinner and drinks, now.

I teased him that I knew how that story went, that he'd put it off until one of us moved departments.

He said: "Tomorrow at four, then".

Good thing I told Beavis not to come up till Saturday...