Taking It As It Comes.

I am a bit of a control freak. I like to know what is going on, how things are going to happen, and what the plan is. I am obsessive about knowing what is coming next. I like to be the boss, and I want things to happen on my schedule.

This is a poor attitude for dating.

I am forever questioning the motives of my date, second-guessing him, and obsessively deconstructing the evening in the car on the drive home. I am out of my element when dealing with the unpredictable quirks of other people's emotions and expectations while also trying to cope with the quirks of MY emotions and expectations.

This results in all sorts of quirky situations and miscommunications. For instance, with Beavis, it meant forcing the issue with sex after a couple of months, because I wanted to know if we were a good match in bed, wanted to know if he found me attractive that way, and was really, really horny. Not that he didn't want to have sex with me, but he wanted to take it slow, and me forcing the issue added a lot of confusion to his world. Like, we didn't talk for two months.

I am trying to learn to take things as they come. Moonbeam and I went for a nice supper tonight, and spent four hours chatting about 'stuff'. Stuff that included a lot of questions/comments about relationships, expectations, likes/dislikes, etcetera. I have no idea if he is wanting to date me, or just talking about random stuff trying to make friends. I am working VERY HARD not to 'interpret' anything, and just see what happens.

Likewise, with Beavis coming up tomorrow, I will try to just relax and let things unfold as they will.

This is difficult.

I want to learn, because I suspect (though I have absolutely no proof) that it might result in a more...respectful...relationship in the end, however that relationship might be defined. I suspect that my habit of taking the lead and stepping things up a notch is intimidating to men. I am certain that I have missed out on all sorts of fun courting rituals, simply because I didn't have the patience to enjoy the courting. I gotta tell ya, though, patience is NOT my forte...

Company Ink?

There is this guy I work with. Let's call him Moonbeam. We've worked together for years, in different departments. He moved into my department temporarily last year, and we wound up working together quite a bit.

He is a genuine sort of guy, funny and outgoing once he gets to know you, though a bit shy at first. Very protective of his private life, but I have to say, I'm the same way...ironic that I blog, but anyways...

Moonbeam is tall, heavy-set, and nice-looking. He likes cats and has a motorbike. He is about 15 years older than me, but that really isn't an issue to me for making friends - most of my friends are about 10 years older, anyways. It becomes an issue with dating, as I want kids, and most 45 year olds are closer to planning retirement than planning a family.

Moonbeam did me a favor at work a few weeks ago, helping me with a file while I was on holidays. I told him I owed him a coffee. A while after that, he needed help outside work, moving a couple of vehicles around. He took me for supper as a thanks. Today, he asked me to help him with a file.

I asked him if it negated the coffee I owed him.

He said it was a big deal (it wasn't), and that he figured he owed me dinner and drinks, now.

I teased him that I knew how that story went, that he'd put it off until one of us moved departments.

He said: "Tomorrow at four, then".

Good thing I told Beavis not to come up till Saturday...

Three (not so wise) Men

M. sent a one word email yesterday. it said:

"regrets?"

hmmm. Not really. I got what I expected: a place to sleep while I was doing other things, and some meaningless sex. It didn't come as a surprise. I haven't mailed his key back, yet, but I'm thinking about it.

Beavis phoned. He wants to come up this weekend, and spend the night. I asked him, straight up:

"So, where, exactly, are you planning on sleeping?"

He didn't miss a beat when he replied: "in my truck". As long as we're all on the same page, I suppose. I'm glad he doesn't have any expectations.

Mr UK called. He didn't have anything in particular to say, except that it was a boring day at work without me sending him notes (I was on training). He just wanted to say goodnight. Wish I coulda been there to tuck him in and give him a kiss...

Courting

Mr UK remains incredibly disappointed that I won't let him fly me back over. We had a loooonnggg discussion about the nature of love, and the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I mean, no-one doubts he and I love each other, deep down. But we're not in love. I told him that my biggest problem with the whole idea is that I am not even a little bit in love with him, and it feels cold-hearted to let him jet me around when there's no butterflies-in-stomach on either end.

I don't know if he realises it, but he's basically been courting me ever since that conversation.

I love it.

He sends me a zillion emails a day at work. Cute, short, 'just thinking of you' type notes.

He sent a little gift by mail, with a hand-written letter.

He calls every few nights, and we chat about nothing for hours.

We reminisce. We debate. We talk dirty. We laugh.

I worry that he is falling in love, a little bit. He's mentioned that he has reconsidered his statement that we would never work out as a couple (distance aside, of course). Honestly, after four or five sleep-deprived phone marathons, I am questioning that statement, myself. However, neither of us is prepared to move.

I worry that i might actually be falling a little bit myself.

He is threatening to come visit at the end of April. He can't really afford it right now, and doesn't really have the time off. I half-heartedly try to talk him out of it, but I'd love to see him again...

Apparently It's March...

...because Beavis called.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can catch up here.

I have no idea what he wants. When I got home from work Friday, there was a message from him on my machine saying he was driving by my town and thinking of me. He says he's working in the area for a few weeks. Good for him.

I called back and left a reply on his message machine, saying I was going out of town, but he could call Sunday if he wanted to. Now, I am quite curious...

*****Sunday night edit*****

I guess he just wanted to hang out. We rented a couple of movies, and curled up on the couch, his arm around my shoulders. No mention of what happened in January, or the conversation we had in February. In fact, the only mention of anything 'us' related was when he commented that he finds it entirely too easy to spend time with me. A hug goodbye, and he was off, with a parting comment that he'd like to come up next weekend, and maybe stay the night. I told him to call later in the week...