Going Slow...

...is not what we are doing. T came over last Thursday, and did not go home until THIS Wednesday. Last night was a 'night off', which I apparently needed most desperately, as I was starting to feel out-of-sorts about having my routines disrupted.

I poured two cups of coffee this morning before I woke up enough to realise he wasn't here anyway.

T picked up the dishes after supper the other night. He made coffee on the mornings he was first out of bed. He calls if he will be late coming home from work. He'll eat whatever I can dream up to cook, and thank me for it after. He is still exciting and fun, but at the same time, comfortable like an old sweater. There is nothing we won't talk about.

This is scary. It's been about seven years since I have dated anyone who lived in my own area code. It's less pressure when they can only change your routine on the weekends. I've always said that they don't fuck up my life, that way. Well, that, and I date emotionally distant guys, as a rule, so they really don't interfere at all.

T is interested in me. He is available, physically and emotionally. I look forward to spending time with him. He scares the hell out of me.

I am trying not to shoot myself in the foot by finding reasons to run away or pick a fight. I told him that I have a few issues that way.

T fits into my life.

He'll be here again tonight.

I'm looking forward to it...

***Grin***

What a weekend.

T is amazing.

He came over Friday night with a backpack and a scrabble board, plus an ear-to-ear grin. We went for dinner, cooked dinner, walked the dog, watched movies, did dishes, and cuddled lots. He fits my life. He has a beautiful smile. And brains to spare.

Interestingly, we did not have sex. He said later that he had thought about bringing condoms, but thought I was something special, and did not want to rush things. Funny...I had thought about buying condoms, but did not want to rush with him. Strange...

My pets love him. My cat would rather curl up in his lap. My dog won't leave him alone. It's cute. He likes pets.

He was so shy and bashful on Thursday, but that faded fast. Some of it is his own courage...he was bashful and blushing madly Sunday morning when he (toe-in-dirt shyly) invited me to join him in the shower. It's a little contagious - I was blushing madly when I (toe-in-dirt shyly) accepted. My hot water tank must be broken...seemed like the hot water ran out right away...

Not A School Night

I had a shit day at work. Being exhausted didn't help one bit. By quitting time, all I wanted was a hug. Rather than sit home and sulk, I called T. Invited him over. For the weekend. He thought I was joking.

**grin**

He should be here in about an hour...

And I'm not sure who's driving, and I don't really care.

Sleepover

I should have been sleeping three hours ago. He braved horrible highways to come for dinner and board games. He whooped me at Scrabble, then I beat him at crib. We had a couple of drinks and chatted. The weather deteriorated, getting colder, icier, and snowier. He looked dubiously out the window at the near-blizzard. I invited him to stay the night. He asked me if I was really okay with that. Five times.

He is so shy it hurts, almost. He gets nervous around people he doesn't know well, and more so with girls. I could almost see him making circles on the ground with his toe. We chat, but he doesn't make eye contact, much. He petted the cat so gently with those huge hands. I checked him out, sidelong, when he wasn't looking.

I half-teasing suggested we share the bed for warmth in this nasty weather. I could almost hear him blush. He is out on the fold-out right now. We were both doing toe-circles saying goodnight, akward. Eventually he asked if he could have one thing before bed: a hug.

And a very brief, chaste one, at that.

********************
Next morning edit:

Sometime just after I finished typing, T came tiptoeing up the hallway to my bedroom. "hey," he said, "can I take you up on your offer? It's kinda lonely out there..."

Based on the last time I actually got up and looked at the clock, the absolute most sleep I could have gotten was approximately four hours. I did not get four hours sleep, though.

It was like a kids sleepover...chatting and giggling, in our pajamas. He is less shy, and more chatty, in the dark. We didn't even kiss, though I have to admit his arms around me sure felt...right...

I told him he wasn't allowed to come over on school nights anymore, though...

Not Driving

I went for drinks with Moonbeam, the guy from work, a couple nights ago. I still have no idea what he's angling for. I have to admit, we have great conversations, but I don't think he would be a good long-term match. I really don't want to lead him on, but I'm not sure how to bring it up in conversation. Dammit.

Scrabble guy, T., called last night. We have a date for tomorrow at my place. Now, I wouldn't normally invite an internet guy to my home after only meeting them once, but I am also a good judge of character, and I'm certian T is not stalker material. He is far too...well, it's hard to pin down, but he hits me as a good guy. He asked if it was okay that he called. He hasn't been pushy in any way, shape, or form. He is very...respectful.

It was an interesting conversation. We do really have a lot in common. I have to learn not to bombard him with questions, but, dammit, I'm curious.

There are a couple red flags, though. He last lived with his parents a few months ago. He has started three different degrees, without finishing any of them. On the other hand, he appears to be able to say 'no', and has actually held the same job for a couple of years.

This not driving thing is really causing me headaches. I have no idea if T is even looking for anything more than friendship, and if he's not, then I'd rather know before I get too interested. Likewise, with Moonbeam, I'd rather have things on the table. However, asking these sorts of questions seems to be the start of me taking over, so to speak. Dammit, I'm just not subtle enough for this...

Scrabble

So, there's this PoF goy. Let's call him T. If there's been a PoF T before, please disregard. This one is totally new, but I've been on so many first dates that I just can't remember, but there hasn't been a second date with a single one...

This one is going to get a second date.

T is tall, well over 6 feet, and pleasant-looking. Broad shoulders, green eyes, full lips. He is soft-spoken, in a slightly fumbling, shy way. He drinks his coffee with lots of sugar. He plays Scrabble competitively. He has freckles on his forearms, and huge hands.

We've been chatting online for over a month, with conversational topics covering religion, gender roles, travel, and books. He says he is not a 'manly man', and just got his first 'guy job' this year. He is slightly nerdy, and loves to read. He got teased a lot in high school. He seems impressed, but not threatened, by my non-traditional line of work, and the fact that I know a bit about cars. He has complimented me a few times, none of which had anything to do with my looks.

We finally met for coffee yesterday afternoon. I can't even remember what we talked about, but three hours went by without any uncomfortable pauses.

There is definitely chemistry. I had forgotten about chemistry.

We agreed to meet online later in the evening, and play Scrabble. He won three games out of four, and gave me a bunch of tips about how to play better. By the end of the night, I was certainly playing better. He was using words I had never heard of. I had to go get my dictionary and look a bunch of them up, just to find out what they meant. That is so hot. Finally, a guy around here who has a brain and isn't afraid to use it.

It is going to be hard to not 'drive the car', and do it too fast. My urge is to go out on a few more dates, see if the chemistry lasts, then go drag him off and do something about it. Actually, my urge is to see what he's doing later today, and see if he'd be interested in a strip-Scrabble marathon, but I know that isn't really appropriate, and will attempt to restrain myself...

Erasure

Over the weekend, M. sent a cryptic e-mail stating he was withdrawing his offer of a flight to Vancouver. I haven't talked to him since, except to email a reply of "yeah, no worries". I have no idea what the "change in circumstances" consists of, though I can make an educated guess.

I am certain M has a girlfriend.

Now, I do not, and have never had any right to get upset over this. To be honest, I'm not all that upset, though I AM disappointed that I won't get a free flight to visit my sister. Mostly, I feel resigned. It was inevitable, and I have known that for ages.

I went down to the post office on Tuesday, bought a little bubble-pack envelope, and mailed him his housekey back. No note - there's nothing much else to say.

I took the wicked photo of the two of us down from 'the gallery' on my wall. I don't want to look at him anymore.

I removed him from my hotmail 'favorites' list. I don't want to have his name hanging around in plain sight.

I am considering changing my phone number. I have already erased his from my address book.

If he is not going to be in my life, then he needs to be all the way out of it. I want it to look as though he never existed. As though 'we' never existed. I do not want to see photos of us kissing. I do not want to be reminded of him at all. I do not want to see him or hear from him or really to even have to think about him anymore.

This is beyond closure...this is erasure.

Dysfunction Break

They say bad luck comes in threes. I should be okay for awhile, now, as I have had my three bad man news items this weekend:

1) Beavis (see last post)

2) M. appears to have found himself a girlfriend. This is purely an assumption on my part, based on the fact that he withdrew his offer of a free flight to see my sis, but I can't think of any other reason.

3) Mr UK can't get holidays to come visit until June, when his annual vacation with his family is booked. His family hates me for long, complicated historical reasons, so I don't imagine I will be seeing him much, if at all.

None of these things is all that bad alone, and I have to admit I was half-expecting each of them, but not all at once. Suddenly, I find I am all alone, which might be a necessary break, anyway. It will certainly cut the frustration level in my world, anyhow.

But dammit, it's hard to feel loveable and attractive when you get ditched three times in the same weekend...

The Hardest Word

I used to be a pushover. Many of my friends were the same way; easily guilted into things, or simply incapable of saying "no". It took me a long time to get over that, but here I am. I have carefully surrounded myself with people who are good at setting boundaries, and at saying no.

I find it easier to ask for something if I don't have to worry about that person saying "yes" out of some misplaced sense of obligation. Ironically, I never said 'no' because I was afraid people would like me less, but in fact, I have more and truer friends now that I freely admit it when I don't want to do something.

I have forgotten how frustrating it is to deal with someone who cannot or will not state their needs. I have forgotten so thoroughly that I miss all the warning signs, apparently.



My car is not working well. I spoke to Beavis tonight, and he mentioned that he would be driving to our hometown for Easter. I asked if I could come along, so I could visit Mom. He said 'sure', but then made a couple of half-hearted excuses...he didn't want my dog in the truck, etcetera. I told him I would call him back in an hour. I called Mom to make sure it was okay if I came, then arranged for a dogsitter.

I had a funny feeling about the way Beavis had agreed to the trip. Something about his tone of voice.

When I called him back, the first thing I asked was "How good are you at saying 'no'?"

"Not very good"

Damn. Right. "In that case, I'm not coming."

Suddenly all the things that confused and frustrated me about Beavis are crystal clear. He operates on guilt. He can't say 'no'.

Now, I'm just frustrated.

I already know I am not subtle enough to deal with someone who can't state their concerns, flat out. I am blunt, and honest, and it doesn't even occur to me to second-guess what someone has said. If I say yes or no, I truly mean it, and I have gotten used to the people around me being exactly the same way. I do not have the time or patience to try to figure out if someone means what they say. I cannot spend any significant amount of time with someone who cannot stand up to me.

Sorry, Beavis. If or when you call again, we will be having a conversation about this, and if you don't think you can learn to be blunt with me, then we're wasting both our time.

Assumptions

I have known Beavis for a long, long time, but I can't say I know him well at all. Unfortunately, conversation is not his forte, so all I have to go on for much of the time is behavior and history.

I tend to stick my foot in it from time to time.

This weekend, I asked him if he knew how many women he had been with.

Perfectly legitimate question - we may get physically involved, and this is the sort of thing I should be privy to. However, my wording was a bit...offensive. There's that assumption thing - Beavis is a very nice looking guy, and I know for a fact that both his best friends were in the three-digit range ten years ago. I backed up and re-phrased my question, but the damage had already been done. I therefore had no right to get pissy about his reply:

"Probably a lot less than you."

When we started talking actual numbers, it turned out that he was absolutely right - his count is around half of mine. Of course, he was wise enough to not ask a question he didn't want the answer to, but I can do the math all by myself.

This sort of shocked me on a couple of levels. First: I had made a judgement about Beavis that was dead wrong, and offensive to him. Second: Beavis made a judgement about me that was dead right, and offensive to me.

Hmm.

Onions

Every time I write Beavis off as a hopeless cause, he suprises me. I am not certain whether this is a good thing or another way for me to string myself along in hopeless relationships.

This time, there were a couple of things.

One: He really is acting like a gentleman. He always has, but it is easy to overlook, because he can be awfully rough around the edges at times. However, in terms of not pushing issues, not testing my boundaries, not questioning my choices...yeah.

Two: He respects the fact that I have a life. A girlfriend had a terrible week, and needed to just hang out. He offered to make himself scarce so that I could spend time with my friend. Again, the rough edges make it easy to overlook how thoughtful he can be.

Sometimes, it's like peeling back layers on an onion.

However, I really question whether I can cope with a relationship with someone as non-verbal as Beavis tends to be. He can get his point across, but he's not much for long discussions. As in, conversations of more than, say, twenty words...

And no, he most certainly didn't sleep in the truck...but he waited for my invitation. And that impressed me. A lot.