I have known Beavis for a long, long time, but I can't say I know him well at all. Unfortunately, conversation is not his forte, so all I have to go on for much of the time is behavior and history.
I tend to stick my foot in it from time to time.
This weekend, I asked him if he knew how many women he had been with.
Perfectly legitimate question - we may get physically involved, and this is the sort of thing I should be privy to. However, my wording was a bit...offensive. There's that assumption thing - Beavis is a very nice looking guy, and I know for a fact that both his best friends were in the three-digit range ten years ago. I backed up and re-phrased my question, but the damage had already been done. I therefore had no right to get pissy about his reply:
"Probably a lot less than you."
When we started talking actual numbers, it turned out that he was absolutely right - his count is around half of mine. Of course, he was wise enough to not ask a question he didn't want the answer to, but I can do the math all by myself.
This sort of shocked me on a couple of levels. First: I had made a judgement about Beavis that was dead wrong, and offensive to him. Second: Beavis made a judgement about me that was dead right, and offensive to me.
Hmm.
5 comments:
Wow Speed, I avoid those numbers discussions at all costs!
When that discussion came up with my musician dude he felt there is a 'number' that makes a woman a slut.
"Oh? What is that number?"
"I think more than a dozen makes you a slut."
"OMG! You are number 13 for me! YOU made me a SLUT!"
Of course 13 is not even close to the actual number and the thing is, he's a musician, he has said he has slept with over 200 women.
I HATE double standards! And this is one that is likely never going to change.
But the thing is, why be offended by his judgement? How do YOU feel about YOU and your history? That's all that really matters.
I was married to the same man for 13 years. Nuff said.
..and you know what they say about ASSumptions....
i doubt the 'double-standard' will ever change until women start to see healthy sexual lifestyles in a positive light. But the truth is, you don't. (By-and-large.)
Blame it on the patriarchy, blame it on inherent 'cattiness', blame it on the rhythm (sorry, I couldn't resist), but the perception of high numbers being fine for a guy ('What a stud!') and bad for a gal ('What a slut!') is systemic. However, from what I hear, the generations coming up may just be the ones to move the goalposts.
Me? How many partners a woman's had means nada. The only thing that matters is that we're creating a moment together. Or starting to build a future. Or filming for the internet. (I know, I can't seem to keep levity out of this.)
I'm sorry Beavis got bruised by your question. Goes to show you that it's not just the women with the 'high numbers' that need reassurance.
I never ask this question.
And, I refuse to answer this question.
I'm more interested in his last STD test, if he has a habit of unprotected sex, etc.
Besides, I wouldn't believe a number he gave me, anyway. He's either lying to inflate it or lying to deflate it.
tshirt - i don't apologise for my history, and i'm not embarassed by it. however, i don't like people judging me, either.
esme - i make an ass of myself on a regular basis anyhow...
prob - i don't judge myself, and most of my friends don't judge, on the basis of 'how many'. it is a bit of a shock when people DO make those sorts of judgements, though it is beginning to change...
swf - it is something i like to know. along with condom habits and std tests, but to me it's just one more piece of information. most of the guys i ask i know well enough that i know they aren't lying, so that's not a concern. i do believe the number beavis gave me, but i have to admit i was suprised by it...
ps - prob - i think beavis was bruised by the WAY i asked, rather than the question itself. i think he was angry that i had implied he was a man-whore. honestly, when i thought about it afterward, i don't blame him...
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