Online Dating Rant

Online Dating Rant

I was rooting around in my computer, and came across a rant I had written a couple of years ago, which is (funny enough) awfully applicable to my current situation...I am posting this one under the 'note to self' category:



Well, as some of you may know, I have made a recent foray into the online dating world. Having gotten laid once through this meduim, I am making another attempt to find Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Right Now, or perhaps even Mr. Maybe If You Buy Me Enough Beers). I will likely chalk this up as a research project, or possibly temporary insanity. However, for those who wish to try the online dating scene for themselves, some hard-learned tips to keep in mind:

1) Although I am sure that everyone on LavaLife has a delightful personality, INSIST ON A PHOTO.

2) In addition to #1, if it is a good picture, and they are extremely hot, INSIST ON A PHOTO OF THE PERSON YOU ARE ACTUALLY CHATTING WITH.

3) LavaLife has three 'sections': Dating, Relationship, and Intimate. As far as I can tell, Dating means 'lets go mountain biking and fool around in the bushes by the side of the trail. Relationship means 'let's go for coffee a couple of times, then fool around'. Intimate means 'lets fuck, don't bother telling me your name'.

4) For those of you scanning physical descriptions, "Fit" means 'can see my feet and tie my own shoes'. "Average Figure" means 'I can suck in my belly and see my feet'. "Extra Pounds" typically means Jabba the Hut. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

5) Scan ads for spelling and grammar. If he can't run the spell check or string together a sentence more complicated than "Me Tarzan You Jane" be aware that the conversational opportunities are likely going to be limited, and either come up with a back-up excuse to leave early, or place the ad in the "might fuck if I'm desperate" pile, if he meets your rigorous physical standards.

6) As an addendum to #5, keep in mind that you are actually on a dating service, and again, adjust your standards accordingly. Admit it, YOU ARE DESPERATE. If it has a pulse, it is probably good enough, at least for now. You can always keep looking.

7) watch Out!!! for creative. Punctuation, this is a Sign of a Deranged!!! Mind...

8) NE1 who writes like THI5 is not the 1 4 u...they are probably between the ages of "supposedly 18" and "possibly 23", not to mention they are probably AL50 FR3AK5...say "c u l8tr!!!"

9) ALWAYS talk to them on the phone before setting up a date...nothing more dissapointing than finding out that the rather appealing and intellingent-sounding dude you were MSN-ing with sounds just like Mickey Mouse, or says 'like' every second word...save yourself the potentially embarassing situation...fake a 'sudden cell phone death', and block them from your e-mail.

10) Word to the wise: if you are even moderately attractive and your weight is less than that of an average elephant, posting a photo will lead to enough e-mails to crash your computer, with 95% being along the lines of "Let's Fuck!!!", regardless of what your profile actually says, or which section it is posted under. On the bright side, you will never have to pay to send THEM a note.

11) Ladies, if you (like me) are at an age where 'cougar' is not yet a comfortable description, and would never consider applying the phrase "attractive older lady" to yourself...and someone calls you one...take a chance! If that young punk has the parts to call a 28-year-old an "attractive older lady", he'll have the courage to do whatever you want him to, with the added bonus that he'll actually expect you to tell him what to do, and not get offended. Yes, chances are he's a virgin, or close to it, but what he lacks in finesse, he'll probably make for up in enthusiasm...

12) Once you have screened for spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and chatted for awhile on MSN and on the phone, you may wish to actually meet your prospective victim. A few tips: Meet in a public and preferably very crowded place. Tell them you will wear red, and wear blue, grey, or green. Arrive at least 20 minutes early, and find a hidden corner with a good view. Set up surveillance. If your prospective date has a facial twitch, gross physical deformity, or disgusting habit like picking his nose, you can melt into the crowd and later claim your car broke down...before blocking them from your e-mail.

As always, an experience...do your best to learn from mine...Good Luck, and c u l8tr!