How To Impress a Girl #1

Finally, somebody got one right!

How to Impress a Girl #1

1) Phone up a random ex who you had amazing sex with, and actually still like as a human being. Make sure it's someone you still treat respectfully and have a decent post-relationship friendship with. When you find out she's single, tell her you still think she's totally hot.

2) Invite her to meet you in another country for a weekend. Let her know that, platonic or not, you'd still like to hang out.

3) Offer to pay if she can't afford the flight.

4) Let her hum and haw and say no, that it just seems too cheap and dirty to contemplate.

5) Explore the cheap and dirty theme in a four-hour intercontinental phone marathon that leaves her sitting in a puddle and too horny to actually think straight. Remind her how much fun cheap and dirty can actually be.

6) Send the flight confirmation by email. Book it for the week of Valentine's.



Mr. UK obviously knows me entirely too well. I spent my night dancing around the house, pacing in shocked disbelief. I mean, it's one thing to talk hypothetically, and another thing entirely to come home from a crappy Friday at work to find flight confirmations in your inbox. How lovely!

Now I know this is going to end, but it doesn't have to end badly. Mr. UK and I have had an ongoing thing for years, and we always seem to have a great time. Except that we are both stubborn, opinionated people, who rarely actually agree on much of anything. We have about three weeks' worth of playing nice before one or the other of us picks a fight. Never anything serious, but enough to take a break from speaking to each other for a month or two. It's not really so bad, though, since I hate London, and never seem to spend more than a week there at a time, and he hates Canada, and rarely comes here. So, we hook up for a week at a time, here and there, have a ball, then drop it until one of us needs a vacation from whatever reality is annoying us at the moment. And there's enough trust and honesty in the relationship make for an incredibly uninhibited week-long romp, every time.

So I suppose that puts a kibosh on dating for a few weeks. I mean, how can I realistically go out with a random online boy and give him any sort of a chance? Sorry, guys, but I will be spending my dinner date with you thinking about someone else, someplace else, which is totally unfair.

Mr. UK was fussing about doing it up properly for Valentine's, since I occasionally get funny about those sorts of holidays. I told him, in all honesty, that he'd already make my month, and no special dinner out was necessary. I told him we could have a picnic on his living room floor, for all I cared. Apparently, I am now booked for said picnic, with a champagne appetizer, me for the main course, and a jar of chocolate sauce for dessert. Yeah, I think coffee at the local bookstore is going to pale in comparason...