I used to be a pushover. Many of my friends were the same way; easily guilted into things, or simply incapable of saying "no". It took me a long time to get over that, but here I am. I have carefully surrounded myself with people who are good at setting boundaries, and at saying no.
I find it easier to ask for something if I don't have to worry about that person saying "yes" out of some misplaced sense of obligation. Ironically, I never said 'no' because I was afraid people would like me less, but in fact, I have more and truer friends now that I freely admit it when I don't want to do something.
I have forgotten how frustrating it is to deal with someone who cannot or will not state their needs. I have forgotten so thoroughly that I miss all the warning signs, apparently.
My car is not working well. I spoke to Beavis tonight, and he mentioned that he would be driving to our hometown for Easter. I asked if I could come along, so I could visit Mom. He said 'sure', but then made a couple of half-hearted excuses...he didn't want my dog in the truck, etcetera. I told him I would call him back in an hour. I called Mom to make sure it was okay if I came, then arranged for a dogsitter.
I had a funny feeling about the way Beavis had agreed to the trip. Something about his tone of voice.
When I called him back, the first thing I asked was "How good are you at saying 'no'?"
"Not very good"
Damn. Right. "In that case, I'm not coming."
Suddenly all the things that confused and frustrated me about Beavis are crystal clear. He operates on guilt. He can't say 'no'.
Now, I'm just frustrated.
I already know I am not subtle enough to deal with someone who can't state their concerns, flat out. I am blunt, and honest, and it doesn't even occur to me to second-guess what someone has said. If I say yes or no, I truly mean it, and I have gotten used to the people around me being exactly the same way. I do not have the time or patience to try to figure out if someone means what they say. I cannot spend any significant amount of time with someone who cannot stand up to me.
Sorry, Beavis. If or when you call again, we will be having a conversation about this, and if you don't think you can learn to be blunt with me, then we're wasting both our time.
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5 comments:
Gawd, you sound so much like me sometimes. I'm not sure when I stopped saying yes when I really meant no, but it sure is a wonderful thing.
But unlike you, I tend to second guess people's affirmative responses. Not the people I'm the very closest to, but lessor acquaintances for sure and I hate that feeling of "do they really wanna do this or are they just unable to say no."
It's great you have the ability to be really upfront about it though, like planning on having that discussion with Beavis.
Well what else do you do? I don't have the patience to sit and try to mind-read, and I usually get it wrong when I try that anyways. Better to just get it out in the open...
Yep, better to get it out in the open.
But what all this reminds me of is my musician dude who just couldn't communicate. And that just didn't work for me. The only time he could be open with me was if he was drunk. But he was a man who had built up VERY big walls and has no desire, or is just unable to figure out how to get beyond his past hurts.
I have the exact opposite problem. I tend to say "No" first and then have to ask myself why I said no. I'm especially bad about that with my children.
I need to find the happy medium place.
sometimes i think i'm a pushover too. not that i don't say no at times but that i allow people to walk all over me sometimes.
ryc: thanks for your comments. i think that is great advice. i have to find some way to use that some time.
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